Friday, March 9, 2012

FOR MY FATHER AND MYSELF

Last week we got the call that any one with an older parent fears, "He's had a heart attack."  My father will be 80 in August and his health is not very good in general.  Although he has always been strong and active, he even still worked as a mechanic up to this point.   Unfortunately when he was feeling something was up back in January, and complained of pain in his chest and the back of his arms burned, his doctor told him it was a condition of his diabetes and not to worry about it.  So he didn't.  That is until he couldn't breath and the pain grew stronger this past week.


I won't over load you with all the dramatic details, only to say, that after two days of sweating it out, because his kidney's have been so bad this past year they didn't think he could withstand the toxic dye they use to do an angiogram, they finally realized they had no choice. They really needed to see what was going on in there because tests were coming back that he had indeed suffered a big attack and the damage could be extensive.  Well, they were right.  He ended up having a five...not three or four, but a five artery bypass open heart surgery on Saturday morning.  


So I was coming off of a six day fast, that had it's moments as well for specific reasons...that's a whole nother story....then no sleep, super anxiety, and an eight and a half hour drive to Vegas and four straight days living at the hospital.  I wound up getting sick and here I am now at home in bed...not my favorite.  Ray said he's been with me for two years and has never seen me sick and it ain't fun!


The one thing I have gained from being a part of this fabulous blogging community is the friendships and support we give each other.  It seems I can go out to visit with bloggers I follow and  someone is going through the same thing I am, and suddenly you don't feel so alone.  There have been times when I could read about someone's feelings of depression or personal struggle in their life, that I felt the compassion and kinship to respond with my own experience or advice....we all are really there for one another and I'm grateful to have this vehicle of friendship in my life.  So I thank you all for that.


It's funny how an emergency like this can bring out the best, and the worst in people.  I've heard others stories about quibbles among families during these instances, and it appears we were not immune to this dynamic either.
For me, in as much as it was maybe not the most optimum time to take a stand, the opportunity presented itself, and I took it none the less, and it felt good.  


I have two sisters, that on their own separately, are challenging enough, to be yourself with or have a conflicting opinion or lifestyle, but together,  watch out!  They dominate every situation in an extremely harsh and condescending fashion, in a tone that just shocks you so much so, that the rest of us just simply do as we're told...kinda like we been hit by a mac truck....walking around in a daze wondering what just happened.  


But the good thing that came out of this, besides the sense of freedom I feel at being true to me for once, is I changed my original plan and drove back with my brother and his wife instead.  It really gave me the opportunity to spend an extended amount of time with her, and I gotta tell ya, she's a hoot!  She had me laughing and entertained the entire ride home.  What a good thing is providence!


I'm just at this point in my life where I can't waste the time.  I don't want to be around negative people. I don't want to be judged for something I haven't done, nor do I want to live with misperceptions about me as a person.  If you're going to be mad at me or not like me for something, let it come from the truth about me and not what you've made up in your own head.  And it doesn't matter if two or four people see it their way, they are looking through the same lens, which doesn't make it true at all.  
I want people in my life who respect me and care about me.  I simply don't have time for anything less.  


Why is it we edit ourselves, or change who we are around our families?  Why do we regress to twelve with our parents at times, no matter how old you are?  How is it that the closest people to you in your life can be the most mistaken about who you are?  How do they not have a clue?  


The good news is that I have a great relationship with my baby sister and brother, and have recently been getting closer to my mother on a different level as well.


And in the meantime, my father came through the surgery with flying colors, however, things are not perfect today, he's having serious issues with the kidneys.  We keep praying for him and sending our love, for my mother as well, who is simply beside herself right now in utter exhaustion and fear.  And I'm laying in my den with the fire and hot tea and a family that I live with in this great home that truly love and care about me....and that's enough for now. 


He looks so frail here


And here he is just so exhausted, he hasn't been able to sleep at all, it's sad to see him look this way.

mucho love to all, xox juner

2 comments:

Gabriela said...

Dear June,
I ma so sorry for all you are going through..this is the big struggle for all of us our age....My prayers go out to you and your family...
I second everything you said...I just saw a sign that said..do something meaningful each day because whatever you choose to do you are trading one day of your life for it...

Hoping your Dad heals a little each day...
Love,
gabriela

JUNE said...

Thx, I havet that saying framed in my guest room...it's so true, and thx for reminding me about that...it puts me in a clear, solid place. xox

Janis late 60's

Janis  late 60's
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