TIME FOR RENEWAL

So it's been quite some time since I came to visit or leave any messages.  As you know it has been an extremely sad time for us over here since my father's unexpected death in March.
Much has changed since we last spoke.


My mother, who we brought home with us from Vegas, two weeks after my father died, left a week ago to go live with my sister Lizzie down in Valencia, (LA). Unfortunately for us, the sudden change in my mother's life created a state of pain in her that brought about a deep, deep sense of insecurity and confusion, (emotionally, but mostly financially).  The woman I had grown to know these past couple of years disappeared, and in her place was someone from my past, and with that sudden appearance, brought with her long forgotten pains and issues, causing me to question her motives and choices in living here with my family.  Our past was nothing if not very murky and clouded with resentment, and even though I did not live any part of my present life attached to those long ago days, the absence of my father ignited the old hurts as certain behaviors emerged.  


Once upon a time I would sit in my solitude, feeling the complete separateness and isolating hurt of someone not fully excepted by her family...love wasn't even in the mix, I just wanted them to like me.  A life of editing myself, and not speaking up for myself, to be pushed and bullied around, to not have much of an opinion, or to gage the reactions of my family as a meter for my own self worth, was my past.  I had no self love for many years because of the detachment and judgment I felt from my family and the way I grew up.  My ex used to say, "I never saw anyone try so hard to get a family to love them."   
And then I simply turned my life around.  


I realized I was not my family, nor did they need to know me as I knew myself, (much to their loss).  That my mother actually left because the way I live my life is so foreign as to be threatening to her own existence, that she couldn't see me for me. She only saw it as a demise of herself...clutching onto the idea that she is who she is and she is never going to change...even though no change was ever imposed upon her in any way, at least not by me or my family.  She couldn't grasp the idea, that my father's death forced her hand, it had nothing to do with us. 


The four months my mother spent here were so overshadowed with grief and massive responsibility as to not allow me to flourish as my true authentic self.   I put other's feelings ahead of my own, there fore denying my own feelings once again,   Stress can alter perceptions and rough up the edges so much so, that the most centered among us doesn't really stand a chance.  


So here I am today, once again, without them...all because I finally spoke up for myself.  Because I had the nerve to finally say all the things that needed to be said so many years ago...said only because the question came up, "why are we like this?"  And of course the answer hurt.


And now I have Ray, and Case.  Kenzie and Cal are getting closer as well, and we are a family....the family I always dreamed I could have one day.  We work hard together and laugh out loud at the top of our lungs while we lie next to each other in bed, (Ray and I that is, Case giggles at our frivolity and passion).  Just recently Ray put on a Dean Martin song, one of my favorites, and pulled me close and danced around our dining room.  We have a great love...we have a great family.


So, things are moving right along.
We have a new couple, Julia and Phillip moving into the cottage this weekend, and the kid's upstairs will be moving out in another month...so new changes all around.


The chickies are no longer chicks and are now roaming around the yard. The baby ducks are big and finally down to just two from the original eleven, thank god!   And then there's Louie. He's a white lab and I am totally madly in love with him.  Bodhi has a playmate and the two of them together make you want to scream sometimes...but such is the nature of house critters.  Either way, we are happy with our new addition.


I have my first art show, since I lived in LA, sixteen years ago, coming up in a few weeks. So I've been painting like mad and have come up with some new things I hope you all enjoy.  They wanted my rock n roll work...so I'm given them ROCK N ROLL BABY!!


And life moves on here on our little piece of the planet.  The garden is blooming, and the work is never ending and the joy of seeing our lives unfold before us is what sustains us as a family.  We are, I AM, very blessed indeed.


Thx again for everyone's well wishes during this tough time, and I can't wait to get out there and visit with some of the blogs I follow..it's been way over due.


Keep smiling...xoxo Enjoy! juners

The Succulent garden is beyond words,
this doesn't really show it

The Roses are spectacular this year!!

Picking up our new baby, (a gift from my mother)
in Napa, father's day weekend,
which made it extra special

Two happy dogs

Louie!! (just turned three months...yikes!)

Dolce and Vida

Spot, (spotted sussex) Hester, (americana)
and Marilyn, (blue cochin)

Marilyn, who started out blue and is now grey...
with huge feather going down her legs...it's the coolest.

Ray built them a chix/duck coop...home for both

 I had three girls, Hester, Ester and Lester...
she has a complex now, this is Lester.

Almost fully completed...Steven

Gaga, underwater...there are sparkly silver glitter
in the tissue waves...it looks super cool in person
I'll get better photos together soon of these new pieces

The sign I made to dedicate this bench in our garden
for my father...I miss you daddy.

love on...juner

A MOMENT OF SUNSHINE AND EGGS HATCHING

So we're here and settling in to a different and new routine.
We have my mother situated in a guest room while we wait for our tenet to find a new place to live, then my mother will move over to the little cottage just across the courtyard.  This will be good for her, and for us, as just that little distance between us allows everyone to feel like they can be "normal" for a moment, and in their own space.


This whole situation has been extremely relentless and exhausting, both physically and emotionally.


Ray and I stayed for four and a half days attempting to put some order to what had happened.  Still in complete and utter shock, we had to take care of business, it was the toughest thing I've ever had to do.


My mother and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements for my father's cremation, which is mind numbing to say the least.  We had started going through some of my father's things looking for a specific ring, which caused us to begin sorting through some things we would normally not have begun doing so soon.  It was simply heart wrenching.  Then my little sister came in and we left the next day.


Then my other sister came in with some of her kids and they cleared out the rest of his clothes, and packed up the books and videos.  My sister helped my mother clean out her closet and then she needed to get back home.  


So Ray and I returned, with our son, and a job that I thought might take three days at most, when my mother told me that my sister had done some packing, and had emptied my fathers room. But she was mistaken as the only thing out of my fathers room was his clothes, so the work was more than we had expected. The cleaning up alone, was more than you can imagine.  So much to sort through and loads of dump runs and tossing of things that were simply not needed. Ray worked relentlessly clearing out old storage lockers and tools, etc...he was a saint!  Furniture to sell, house to put up for sale.  That alone took hours for Ray to work with the real estate agent.  Tons of phone calls, canceling, changing...it's insane what it takes to make this kind of move.   It turned out to be extreme non stop packing for five straight days. 
But in the end we filled the moving truck to capacity and trailered her car behind, while Case drove the small truck and I drove my mother and the dog.  We caravanned for ...are you ready?....eleven hours!


Nothing could prepare me for what I felt shutting the door on my fathers room and walking away.  It's one of the hardest moments in my entire life.  Then I had to get behind the wheel and drive my mother...super sad.


We got home late on Friday night and took the next day off then went right back to work on Sunday to unload the moving truck mostly into a new storage locker.  It took a couple more days to square things away in her room, which we're still adding things too. It's been a whirlwind of emotions and activity and I'm pooped!!


Now for the ceremony/service which is this coming weekend/Monday.  This is going to be hard...but we'll get through it as best we can.


So, almost done with this cycle in my life.  But the good news is that the sun came out one day and the duck had babies two days before Easter and it made us all smile.  We're going to build a chicken coop and create a little water area for the duck and we're planning on adding a lamb or two...it's all a good way to settle into "home".


Thx again for all your well wishes and I can't wait to get on with my life and get back to my art and writing...but all this takes time.  My life is forever changed with the death of my father, and now taking on the responsibility of keeping my mother with us for the remainder of her life.....it's amazing how in a breath your entire existence can change trajectory and place you in a new direction.  Such is life.

This was the drive out when Ray and I
went to make sure my mother was alright.
It was magnificent to be inside these clouds.
Photos can't begin to give you the feeling we had being completely surrounded by them.

The beauty of this day could not prepare us for what was to unfold that night, as this was the day my father eventually left us.

We took one night to go out and show Case some of Vegas.
I actually got a smile out of everyone.

The insanity of where to turn next

Simply rooms filled with boxes and things that needed to go into boxes that usually wouldn't be in a box...frustrating!

The front yard became the staging for several days
I'm sure the neighbors appreciated that!  
And this was near the end when things looked better!  
For a while there were piles upon piles 
of bins and boxes filling this entire space.

It's that load of "stuff" that just gathers
and you still need to figure out what to
do with it all and clean it all up regardless...
it's so freaking time consuming!

Our son worked unbelievably hard...
what a good boy!

Ducks!

Cute cute cute!!!

I need to hold one already..but their a bit skittish yet...drat!

Some very quickly painted Easter eggs for the family...not from the duck, in case you are wondering.

So enjoy the best you can and remember, live and breath joy into every moment you have, because things can change in a breath!  xox juner

EUGENE E. PACE - MY FATHER

Our second Xmas together

I just added this in because
I realized that my father is with my cousin
and I'm with her father...
so I'm the curly head on the left....
when I return home I'l find the one of my father and myself

edited 3/19

Our last Xmas together

My father Gene passed away last night.  And I can not be any sadder than I am at this moment.  It's simply unbearable.  It's mind numbing.  I feel like I'm in a bad dream.  


I'm here, in Vegas, with my mother and Ray and I just felt the need to share this right now.  These are two photos that I happen to have available to me on my computer so this is what you're getting  tonight.  
I was born on Xmas day, and I wish I had the first photo, but this is close enough.  So this is actually my first birthday.  We had a habit of taking a photo together every single year on my birthday.  I'm his first born and it's an incredible honor and something that gives me great personal comfort at this time.


I will miss you daddy, so very much...your number, one xoxo juner

AN EXTRA PRAYER

So things are not going as planned for my father.
He can't seem to get out of the hospital and onto rehabilitation.  He ended up staying another night in ICU, then they finally moved him the next day...however, he can't seem to stop vomiting and he's hit that really nasty depression.  
He is weak, they needed to give him a transfusion to help boost his blood.  He still can't stop with the hic- ups and now he is  having troubles with the bowel.  Maybe the fact that the first solid food they fed to him was a freaking STEAK! might have something to do with it.  You can't give someone who basically has fasted for two solid weeks a steak...and you certainly can't give a man who just had bypass surgery steak and shrimp for dinner...I'm sure he is having trouble with his bowels!!  But don't get me started on the food in the hospital...it's insane.


He keeps counting the clock and waiting for the next level of his stay, and when it doesn't come, it just sends him deeper into his longing to leave and be well, and he gets really sad.


I need you to send that extra prayer today....I gave my mother a pep talk yesterday to deliver to my dad...and she said he looked her square in the eyes when she spoke to him, (I explained that I did just that when he first came out of surgery.  He was anxious about the tube taped down his throat and in pain, and I just kept stroking his brow and held my face really close to him and kept saying, "just keep looking in my eyes daddy, don't think of anything else. Just take a deep breath and look into my eyes."  and this helped calm him.)  So she did the same and she said he got it, he heard her.


I haven't even spoken to her today yet to find out what happened, but I got a text from her saying he can't stop vomiting...so prayers everyone, prayers.


Thx for all of your support...xox juner

TODAY

Well, things are moving right along.  My father just got out of ICU yesterday, still having some issue with the kidney's and the regulation of his heart beat goes off sometimes.  But they're moving him to the rehabilitation center tomorrow...yay!

My cold is attempting to keep it's claws buried in my head, but I'm winning.  I just haven't had a cold like this in years...and it's really taken it's toll on me.  In the meantime I'm working on the second book and plan to finish up the illustrations this weekend.

Here's a preview of the almost finished painting of Annabel and Pips, standing on his Aeroquatic, The Lizzie Belle.

Enjoy, xox juner

PS. I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and personal support...as always you guys pull through when you're needed the most.

There's a smudge on my lens that I can't seem to get rid of
and it's right in the middle of her pretty pink shirt, drat!

Annabel is known for her red cowboy boots, these have a thick rubber sole.  Photos of the finished piece soon
and the whole picture of the Aeroquatic
 to be revealed as well...just wait, it's all coming!

FOR MY FATHER AND MYSELF

Last week we got the call that any one with an older parent fears, "He's had a heart attack."  My father will be 80 in August and his health is not very good in general.  Although he has always been strong and active, he even still worked as a mechanic up to this point.   Unfortunately when he was feeling something was up back in January, and complained of pain in his chest and the back of his arms burned, his doctor told him it was a condition of his diabetes and not to worry about it.  So he didn't.  That is until he couldn't breath and the pain grew stronger this past week.


I won't over load you with all the dramatic details, only to say, that after two days of sweating it out, because his kidney's have been so bad this past year they didn't think he could withstand the toxic dye they use to do an angiogram, they finally realized they had no choice. They really needed to see what was going on in there because tests were coming back that he had indeed suffered a big attack and the damage could be extensive.  Well, they were right.  He ended up having a five...not three or four, but a five artery bypass open heart surgery on Saturday morning.  


So I was coming off of a six day fast, that had it's moments as well for specific reasons...that's a whole nother story....then no sleep, super anxiety, and an eight and a half hour drive to Vegas and four straight days living at the hospital.  I wound up getting sick and here I am now at home in bed...not my favorite.  Ray said he's been with me for two years and has never seen me sick and it ain't fun!


The one thing I have gained from being a part of this fabulous blogging community is the friendships and support we give each other.  It seems I can go out to visit with bloggers I follow and  someone is going through the same thing I am, and suddenly you don't feel so alone.  There have been times when I could read about someone's feelings of depression or personal struggle in their life, that I felt the compassion and kinship to respond with my own experience or advice....we all are really there for one another and I'm grateful to have this vehicle of friendship in my life.  So I thank you all for that.


It's funny how an emergency like this can bring out the best, and the worst in people.  I've heard others stories about quibbles among families during these instances, and it appears we were not immune to this dynamic either.
For me, in as much as it was maybe not the most optimum time to take a stand, the opportunity presented itself, and I took it none the less, and it felt good.  


I have two sisters, that on their own separately, are challenging enough, to be yourself with or have a conflicting opinion or lifestyle, but together,  watch out!  They dominate every situation in an extremely harsh and condescending fashion, in a tone that just shocks you so much so, that the rest of us just simply do as we're told...kinda like we been hit by a mac truck....walking around in a daze wondering what just happened.  


But the good thing that came out of this, besides the sense of freedom I feel at being true to me for once, is I changed my original plan and drove back with my brother and his wife instead.  It really gave me the opportunity to spend an extended amount of time with her, and I gotta tell ya, she's a hoot!  She had me laughing and entertained the entire ride home.  What a good thing is providence!


I'm just at this point in my life where I can't waste the time.  I don't want to be around negative people. I don't want to be judged for something I haven't done, nor do I want to live with misperceptions about me as a person.  If you're going to be mad at me or not like me for something, let it come from the truth about me and not what you've made up in your own head.  And it doesn't matter if two or four people see it their way, they are looking through the same lens, which doesn't make it true at all.  
I want people in my life who respect me and care about me.  I simply don't have time for anything less.  


Why is it we edit ourselves, or change who we are around our families?  Why do we regress to twelve with our parents at times, no matter how old you are?  How is it that the closest people to you in your life can be the most mistaken about who you are?  How do they not have a clue?  


The good news is that I have a great relationship with my baby sister and brother, and have recently been getting closer to my mother on a different level as well.


And in the meantime, my father came through the surgery with flying colors, however, things are not perfect today, he's having serious issues with the kidneys.  We keep praying for him and sending our love, for my mother as well, who is simply beside herself right now in utter exhaustion and fear.  And I'm laying in my den with the fire and hot tea and a family that I live with in this great home that truly love and care about me....and that's enough for now. 

He looks so frail here

And here he is just so exhausted, he hasn't been able to sleep at all, it's sad to see him look this way.

mucho love to all, xox juner

INTRODUCING THE NEW BENJAMIN McTISH

Here he is, the new improved Benjamin...and the cover of my new book.  Yay!!

He's wearing aviator goggles,
and if you read the book you would know this!
I'm working hard on getting the ebook together...
coming soon!

enjoy! xoxo juner

CATCHING UP AGAIN

So this is just a quick one today...I went down town to pick up some art paper and on the street there was a new meter...I wonder how many cities have something like this?

All the money goes towards helping the transient people
who need help getting somewhere.

Then the window of my favorite shoe store looked like a pink fairy princess and I love it.
Then we had two people, one with a cello and one a guitar singing a modern kind of raspy song, and a few steps away was a lone old hippie singing Bob Dylan, quite well I might add, and then on the corner was a jazz combo, drums and all, and they were great!  It's just the cutest little city on the face of the earth, is all I'm sayin!

Then the house projects.  Almost done with the new stair rail and posts....got to finish the aging on the gold trim and fine tune the color work, but the idea is almost there.  I need to paint the wood rails, top and bottom to match yet...can't wait to have this project finished already.

Then here is a quick sneak peek at the "new and improved" Benjamin McTish.  I realized that when I first painted him, it was just a random illustration that had no meaning other than fun, and I gave him a name.  The next thing you know I have several illustrations and they all have names and a story begins to brew....so fast forward to today.  
I have a completed manuscript, the first book in the series I'm writing about Benjamin and his friends.  I'm in the process of putting an ebook together and need a cover and I realize that the original is simply not going to work.  He looks like he's from the fifties and he has Harry Potter glass's on...that just won't do.  So I've updated him and will be pulling a new illustration of him that relates to the book.  Almost done with that, but couldn't wait to get a glimpse of him out there. 

The new improved Grandfather Tree..
this one actually has the door.

Benjamin is wearing aviator googles in this one...
it's all in the book if you're interested!!

 And the last is a painting I'm working on that has texture and layers and all kinds of things going on...to be continued....

Way more layering going on with this,
but love the colors so far...

I almost forgot the perfect dark bronze/brown orchids that are finally blooming...yay!

enjoy! xox juner

A LITTLE LOST GEM I NEED TO SHARE...

What Are You Doing New Years Eve? 
by Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-L...


Okay, so I know I'm way behind the scene here..but I ran across this by accident searching for something on a blog and I just could not pass it up...I intend to include it in a blog every new year from now on...this is one of my favorite songs ever and they couldn't perform it better...so even though we are way past new years eve, here's a little reminder to feel excited to be with the one you love...enjoy!  xox juner


ps. I'm  really not looking for you tube videos...just a co-inky dink that I have two in a row...what can I say, they are both good.

SMASHING IDEA

I just saw this on one of my following blogs, Just Add Glitter and simply fell in love with not only the idea, but the video itself...it's super cleaver and dare I say, inspiring!   I'm sure most of you know about this, but for those who are like me....this is simply cool!  And if you haven't already, you need to check out Maggi and her daughter Toots...who is beyond super clever and always brings me much joy and laughter......Give it a whirl yourself...enjoy smashing!  
xox juner