Much has changed since we last spoke.
My mother, who we brought home with us from Vegas, two weeks after my father died, left a week ago to go live with my sister Lizzie down in Valencia, (LA). Unfortunately for us, the sudden change in my mother's life created a state of pain in her that brought about a deep, deep sense of insecurity and confusion, (emotionally, but mostly financially). The woman I had grown to know these past couple of years disappeared, and in her place was someone from my past, and with that sudden appearance, brought with her long forgotten pains and issues, causing me to question her motives and choices in living here with my family. Our past was nothing if not very murky and clouded with resentment, and even though I did not live any part of my present life attached to those long ago days, the absence of my father ignited the old hurts as certain behaviors emerged.
Once upon a time I would sit in my solitude, feeling the complete separateness and isolating hurt of someone not fully excepted by her family...love wasn't even in the mix, I just wanted them to like me. A life of editing myself, and not speaking up for myself, to be pushed and bullied around, to not have much of an opinion, or to gage the reactions of my family as a meter for my own self worth, was my past. I had no self love for many years because of the detachment and judgment I felt from my family and the way I grew up. My ex used to say, "I never saw anyone try so hard to get a family to love them."
And then I simply turned my life around.
I realized I was not my family, nor did they need to know me as I knew myself, (much to their loss). That my mother actually left because the way I live my life is so foreign as to be threatening to her own existence, that she couldn't see me for me. She only saw it as a demise of herself...clutching onto the idea that she is who she is and she is never going to change...even though no change was ever imposed upon her in any way, at least not by me or my family. She couldn't grasp the idea, that my father's death forced her hand, it had nothing to do with us.
The four months my mother spent here were so overshadowed with grief and massive responsibility as to not allow me to flourish as my true authentic self. I put other's feelings ahead of my own, there fore denying my own feelings once again, Stress can alter perceptions and rough up the edges so much so, that the most centered among us doesn't really stand a chance.
So here I am today, once again, without them...all because I finally spoke up for myself. Because I had the nerve to finally say all the things that needed to be said so many years ago...said only because the question came up, "why are we like this?" And of course the answer hurt.
And now I have Ray, and Case. Kenzie and Cal are getting closer as well, and we are a family....the family I always dreamed I could have one day. We work hard together and laugh out loud at the top of our lungs while we lie next to each other in bed, (Ray and I that is, Case giggles at our frivolity and passion). Just recently Ray put on a Dean Martin song, one of my favorites, and pulled me close and danced around our dining room. We have a great love...we have a great family.
So, things are moving right along.
We have a new couple, Julia and Phillip moving into the cottage this weekend, and the kid's upstairs will be moving out in another month...so new changes all around.
The chickies are no longer chicks and are now roaming around the yard. The baby ducks are big and finally down to just two from the original eleven, thank god! And then there's Louie. He's a white lab and I am totally madly in love with him. Bodhi has a playmate and the two of them together make you want to scream sometimes...but such is the nature of house critters. Either way, we are happy with our new addition.
I have my first art show, since I lived in LA, sixteen years ago, coming up in a few weeks. So I've been painting like mad and have come up with some new things I hope you all enjoy. They wanted my rock n roll work...so I'm given them ROCK N ROLL BABY!!
And life moves on here on our little piece of the planet. The garden is blooming, and the work is never ending and the joy of seeing our lives unfold before us is what sustains us as a family. We are, I AM, very blessed indeed.
Thx again for everyone's well wishes during this tough time, and I can't wait to get out there and visit with some of the blogs I follow..it's been way over due.
Keep smiling...xoxo Enjoy! juners
 |
| The Succulent garden is beyond words, this doesn't really show it |
 |
| The Roses are spectacular this year!! |
 |
| Picking up our new baby, (a gift from my mother) in Napa, father's day weekend, which made it extra special |
 |
| Two happy dogs |
 |
| Louie!! (just turned three months...yikes!) |
 |
| Dolce and Vida |
 |
| Spot, (spotted sussex) Hester, (americana) and Marilyn, (blue cochin) |
 |
| Marilyn, who started out blue and is now grey... with huge feather going down her legs...it's the coolest. |
 |
| Ray built them a chix/duck coop...home for both |
 |
| I had three girls, Hester, Ester and Lester... she has a complex now, this is Lester. |
 |
| Almost fully completed...Steven |
 |
| Gaga, underwater...there are sparkly silver glitter in the tissue waves...it looks super cool in person I'll get better photos together soon of these new pieces |
 |
| The sign I made to dedicate this bench in our garden for my father...I miss you daddy. |
No comments:
Post a Comment