READ BETWEEN THE TWISTED LINES

So this last post I did just yesterday caused quite a stir with my family.  Which to be quite honest, truly surprised me.  I hadn't written anything that came from vindictiveness or malice.  And I certainly didn't write anything that I hadn't already said to both my mother and my sister...but silly me, the lies just keep on coming, and there fore the lines were drawn in the sand.  
And I choose to step around and exit.


My sister claimed that my post was "twisted"...she felt I misrepresented the situation because, in her words, "Mom left because you told her to get the fuck out!"  She's not clever enough to understand that what I wrote was a culmination, a summary, of what had been occurring here that led to my mother leaving.  It wasn't a verbatim explanation.  It was philosophical.  My mother left because she doesn't like me.  She doesn't like the way I live my life.  She felt judged, by her own self, as less than, because as a diabetic with neuropathy and a slew of serious unhealthy factors, she couldn't stand to be around someone who lived consciously, who chooses to honor their body with health and fitness and takes care of her family in kind.  And since she lived in our house she just went along...all the while as it turns out, resenting me and my life..she lied yet again.  I don't live with lies.  She built up a pile of pity and resentment and choose to spew it all over me one day.  


So let me make this perfectly clear so everyone can be happy with the facts, and my sister can relax knowing that I cleared our mothers good name.


First of all, I NEVER told my mother to get the fuck out.  I told her, after a drawn out intense fight, where she informed me...or I should say, she finally admitted, that she was indeed making other plans, arrangements to live with my sister because she couldn't stay here with me one moment longer, that she needn't bother unpacking the rest of her stuff, she was outta here.  My exact words were, "Don't bother unpacking, you're outta here!"  So clearly, I was not as harsh as to "kick her the fuck out" and it only came after her admission of secret plans to get away from me.


End of story.


Well, actually not quite.  The very next morning, after a very rough night of crying and hurt, I went to her and told her I just couldn't take it, and that the pain was too great, that she should just stay, at least until the end of the month, or even longer if she needed to finish up some work that was weighing heavy on her for an upcoming seminar. I truly wished for healing between us. Her chilly response, "No, I need to get out of here as soon as possible."  


The two weeks that followed were insane as you can imagine. I couldn't stop crying and it was much self refection and hurt piled on top of us. 


On the day she left, I stayed in my closet, sobbing.   I could not bare standing in my driveway, and watch her drive away with her friends, it was just too brutal on me.  
Oh, and by the way, two things.  Ray and I, along with two of Cases friends ended up digging our heels in and fully packing the entire truck, it took three solid hours and it was finished.  And two, her best friend told me that I should be grateful that my mother had other options and that she had a family who would take care of her and love her no matter what...that she had a home.  And our response to that was...she had that here.  SHE is the one who choose to hold on to her stubborn, selfish, manipulating ways and not let her life flow and be calm.  I never forced her to eat what she didn't want, or to do anything she didn't want to do...I didn't even comment on her choices.  


She will not make it another five years, but that's another story.


In the end when I didn't come out and she asked Ray if I would and he said no, it was too hard for me...do you think she got sad, or cried...what would you expect from this?  Well, let me tell you, it certainly wasn't what I expected....she got furious and clenched her fists and harumphed and turned around and marched herself down our long quarter of a mile drive straight out to the street and wouldn't speak to Ray.  
So there you have it.   I texted her and said, I just couldn't say goodbye, it was simply too hard...and she hasn't spoken to me since.


In the meantime, her "family" is down to one...only one, Lizzie.  No one else will have her.  No other member of our family will allow her to live with them or take care of her in any way.  That should explain a lot.


So through this whole mess, my main concern was that I didn't want to lose the relationship I had with my baby sister.  And of course, she was never there to defend me or my feelings...she is my mother's best friend and in so, her actions are only for my mother, regardless of the truth.
So after screaming, "Mom left because you told her to get the fuck out!"  A BLATANT LIE...she hung up.  I called back and she shouted, "You just lost me as a sister!" and hung up again.  I phoned back and left a message on her machine...pretty much saying that our mother is a liar and had her worked up and that if she could take her love away so easily, then she did not care about me or love me at all.


So, I hope I have satisfied everyones concern about what really happened and how I find myself here now.  This is the truth and the facts.  What I wrote yesterday digs deeper into the "how" we ended up here...something that is too heady for my sister and mother to grasp.  


Funny thing is I got emails and messages from people who have known me and my whole family for many long years, people who have been around and lived close relations with my family...cousins, brother, best friends, old boyfriends...and they all, each and every one of them said..."We're not surprised.  They never treated you well your whole life, what made you think it would be any different now?"


I wrote a letter last night saying that I did not wish to continue in anyway with any of them.  It's just this simple, they have never been a family to me... my true family is right here, in front of my face. And I couldn't be more grateful. 


So as of today, I will remove them from my broadcast of this blog and they are barred from writing or communicating with me. No longer on Facebook, blogging followers, etc.  Now, the two sisters who already shut me out of their life could care less, and this won't mean a single thing to them...and my mother is sitting with her Cheshire Cat grin because she got Lizzie to do exactly what would hurt me the most...take away her love.  
Such is the mother I ended up with.


And life goes on.


Thx again, for all your support, and for letting me vent this madness, all in the safe confines of like minded, artistic, free spirited beings that share one thing in common...we are creators.


And my time is now better spent creating...so onward and upward as they say...the sun is shining and we have a 93rd birthday party to go to and I just baked my famous vanilla/sour cream cupcakes with white chocolate/cherry kirsch/ coconut cream icing....life IS good!


xoxo juner

TIME FOR RENEWAL

So it's been quite some time since I came to visit or leave any messages.  As you know it has been an extremely sad time for us over here since my father's unexpected death in March.
Much has changed since we last spoke.


My mother, who we brought home with us from Vegas, two weeks after my father died, left a week ago to go live with my sister Lizzie down in Valencia, (LA). Unfortunately for us, the sudden change in my mother's life created a state of pain in her that brought about a deep, deep sense of insecurity and confusion, (emotionally, but mostly financially).  The woman I had grown to know these past couple of years disappeared, and in her place was someone from my past, and with that sudden appearance, brought with her long forgotten pains and issues, causing me to question her motives and choices in living here with my family.  Our past was nothing if not very murky and clouded with resentment, and even though I did not live any part of my present life attached to those long ago days, the absence of my father ignited the old hurts as certain behaviors emerged.  


Once upon a time I would sit in my solitude, feeling the complete separateness and isolating hurt of someone not fully excepted by her family...love wasn't even in the mix, I just wanted them to like me.  A life of editing myself, and not speaking up for myself, to be pushed and bullied around, to not have much of an opinion, or to gage the reactions of my family as a meter for my own self worth, was my past.  I had no self love for many years because of the detachment and judgment I felt from my family and the way I grew up.  My ex used to say, "I never saw anyone try so hard to get a family to love them."   
And then I simply turned my life around.  


I realized I was not my family, nor did they need to know me as I knew myself, (much to their loss).  That my mother actually left because the way I live my life is so foreign as to be threatening to her own existence, that she couldn't see me for me. She only saw it as a demise of herself...clutching onto the idea that she is who she is and she is never going to change...even though no change was ever imposed upon her in any way, at least not by me or my family.  She couldn't grasp the idea, that my father's death forced her hand, it had nothing to do with us. 


The four months my mother spent here were so overshadowed with grief and massive responsibility as to not allow me to flourish as my true authentic self.   I put other's feelings ahead of my own, there fore denying my own feelings once again,   Stress can alter perceptions and rough up the edges so much so, that the most centered among us doesn't really stand a chance.  


So here I am today, once again, without them...all because I finally spoke up for myself.  Because I had the nerve to finally say all the things that needed to be said so many years ago...said only because the question came up, "why are we like this?"  And of course the answer hurt.


And now I have Ray, and Case.  Kenzie and Cal are getting closer as well, and we are a family....the family I always dreamed I could have one day.  We work hard together and laugh out loud at the top of our lungs while we lie next to each other in bed, (Ray and I that is, Case giggles at our frivolity and passion).  Just recently Ray put on a Dean Martin song, one of my favorites, and pulled me close and danced around our dining room.  We have a great love...we have a great family.


So, things are moving right along.
We have a new couple, Julia and Phillip moving into the cottage this weekend, and the kid's upstairs will be moving out in another month...so new changes all around.


The chickies are no longer chicks and are now roaming around the yard. The baby ducks are big and finally down to just two from the original eleven, thank god!   And then there's Louie. He's a white lab and I am totally madly in love with him.  Bodhi has a playmate and the two of them together make you want to scream sometimes...but such is the nature of house critters.  Either way, we are happy with our new addition.


I have my first art show, since I lived in LA, sixteen years ago, coming up in a few weeks. So I've been painting like mad and have come up with some new things I hope you all enjoy.  They wanted my rock n roll work...so I'm given them ROCK N ROLL BABY!!


And life moves on here on our little piece of the planet.  The garden is blooming, and the work is never ending and the joy of seeing our lives unfold before us is what sustains us as a family.  We are, I AM, very blessed indeed.


Thx again for everyone's well wishes during this tough time, and I can't wait to get out there and visit with some of the blogs I follow..it's been way over due.


Keep smiling...xoxo Enjoy! juners

The Succulent garden is beyond words,
this doesn't really show it

The Roses are spectacular this year!!

Picking up our new baby, (a gift from my mother)
in Napa, father's day weekend,
which made it extra special

Two happy dogs

Louie!! (just turned three months...yikes!)

Dolce and Vida

Spot, (spotted sussex) Hester, (americana)
and Marilyn, (blue cochin)

Marilyn, who started out blue and is now grey...
with huge feather going down her legs...it's the coolest.

Ray built them a chix/duck coop...home for both

 I had three girls, Hester, Ester and Lester...
she has a complex now, this is Lester.

Almost fully completed...Steven

Gaga, underwater...there are sparkly silver glitter
in the tissue waves...it looks super cool in person
I'll get better photos together soon of these new pieces

The sign I made to dedicate this bench in our garden
for my father...I miss you daddy.

love on...juner